What have I ever done for my Family

Having been told I was just the provider of genetic material and had done nothing for my family, I thought I’d respond in the style of Monty Python.

Her: Who are you and what have you ever done for your family?

Him: I assume who I am is a rhetorical question but what have I done for my Family

Her: Nothing, you abandoned them to live the life of Riley

Him: Well actually I supported you for 5 years whilst at university

Her: That goes without saying

Him: and paid the mortgage through 19 years of marriage

Her: Ok, apart from supporting me during university and paying the mortgage, what else did you do for your family?

Him: I paid for trips to Australia, USA, Spain, Egypt and others on multiple occasions and only recently got you flights from London to Brisbane with everyone being upgraded to business class. I’d guess at least 40 flights over the years.

Her: but thats what a husband is supposed to do. Don’t put tickets on yourself

Him: ok, I paid the electricity bills and the gas bills and the phone bills and the council tax. I could go on if you want me to.

Her: Alright, I know you supported me financially during university and paid the mortgage and got tickets for me to fly around the world and pay household bills but apart from that whatever did you do for your family?

Him: Well I took Pablo and Sam to the Spanish school everyday instead of the local school so had to get tube to Ladbroke Grove before going to work and pick them up in the evening. I also took both of them to a myriad of child minders when they were under 5 and worked from home one day a week to take care of them.

Her: So what, thats what you are supposed to do.

Him: Well you are the one saying I was just a sperm donor. I took Isabel to Spanish nursery instead of a local one; paid £600 a month fees and took her on tube to Hammersmith and then bus to Fulham broadway and picked her up after work each day and then take her the park.

Her: So what, you supported me during university and paid the mortgage and paid for flights around the world with at least 10 flights to Brisbane and 5 to Cairo and paid all the household bills and took care of the children when I was at Uni or work and took kids to school but apart from that what have you ever done for me and the kids?

Him: I give you access to all my salary by having a joint bank account but had no access to your earnings and your salary was strictly for you.

Her: But a husband has to provide food and clothes for the children so I only used the joint account for our children. apart from providing food and clothes for your children and paying the mortgage and supporting me during 5 years of university and paying for flights around the world and taking kids to nursery and Spanish school, what did you ever do for your family?

Him: Well I used to take the Boys every Saturday morning to Ealing college for piano, violin and music theory lessons and pay for the privilege. I took kids to church every week until you stopped me from doing that for two years. I took them to the park and swimming and the cinema when you were too busy doing other things and in fact it was a rare occasion that you ever went to park with us or the swimming baths in Brentford.

Her: ok so what you looked after kids and paid for their music lessons and paid all the household bills and paid the mortgage and paid for flights including getting upgrades to business class on many occasions but apart from that you did absolutely nothing for your family.

Him: actually I give you £16 thousand pounds in 2012 to stop you getting your house repossessed in Brisbane as well as the 4 acres of land we jointly own. Do you forget coming crying to me saying you would lose both unless I remortgaged flat in London and give you the money. This was after giving you £15k in 2009 which you said you would move to Oz but on both occasions you simply forget your promise so that totals £31 thousand pounds which I never saw again and increased my mortgage substantially.

Her: Ok, apart from stopping me getting my house and land repossessed by giving me £31k and taking care of the kids and paying the mortgage and flying us around the world and paying all the household bills and taking kids to music classes and church every weekend what else did you do? Nothing a fat nothing is what you did.

Him: Actually when I was in Brisbane waiting for you to come over I offered to pay $3000 a month for land mortgage whilst you paid £283 for the U.K. mortgage but I found out when you never came to live in Oz that you never kept your part of the bargain and I would have had flat repossessed if I hadn’t paid £5k from my redundancy before I left London in 2007. I also paid $20k off your house in The Gabba from redundancy from British Airways.

Her: Ok, I never kept my side of the bargain by not paying for flat when you paid for the land. I never kept my promise to come to Oz when you took voluntary redundancy from British Airways and I never kept my promise to move to Oz in 2009 when you give me £15k or in 2012 when you give me £16k but this is about you not me. I am a wonderful mother and was a great wife whilst you abandoned me and the kids in 2007 to live the life of Riley and give me not one red cent.

Him: I think I have proved I give you everything I had and spent almost all of my time with the kids because I absolutely loved being a father and that was the only reason I suffering your never ending angry outbursts over the years because I didn’t want to lose my children through a divorce but you got me locked up in Chiswick police cell overnight by calling the police and falsely accused me of physical assault when we both know it was an outright lie.

Her: Well how do you think I feel? The thought of touching you made my skin crawl and you are as ugly on the inside as you are on the outside. I should be given a medal for having 3 children with you because you are a repulsive little man.

Him: I am grateful for the three children we had together and the first class education you give me on the ways of women through 19 years of marriage but I couldn’t go on with the daily angry outbursts on my perceived shortcomings so I am very glad we are no longer married and I would rather sleep in the boot of a car than have you anywhere near me so let me just say THANK YOU for the experience of being a husband and a Father and I think I did at least a little bit for my family even though you will never admit it.