Confession Box Empty

New York Today I committed not one but two heinous crimes which I hope one day to be forgiven. It all started when I sought shelter from the inclement weather whilst waiting to meet Fabio at our prearranged location. I noticed the Actor’s chapel, St. Malachy and knew it would be ideal place for rest and meditation. I quietly sat down at a pew but soon curiosity got the better of me and I decided to take a stroll around the building. I am always desirous of learning something new especially with regards to religion and my knowledge of the catholic church is rather scant.

First thing to draw my attention were the numerous candles burning in various locations. I soon discovered the area wherein candles could be purchased in either $1, $5 and $6 dollar varieties. I was fairy certain the candles were not meant to be taken home in order to provide light during a power outage but seemed to have a mystical purpose that receives its full force only within the confines of a legally sanctioned Roman Catholic dwelling house. Of course I could be entirely wrong.

As I stood there I was consumed by a strange desire to light the $5 candle. Yet simultaneously I had no desire to make even a modest contribution to Pope Benedict XV coffers. What was I to do? I decided that the Gods and saints must be placated so hesitantly I lit a candle in honour of deities and saints unknown without slipping a fiver into the donation box. I then waited to find out if I had offended the Vicar of Christ or perhaps the graver sin of upsetting his boss. Nothing happened so I continued my walk around the chapel when I came face to face with none other than St. Thaddeus, patron saint of Lost causes. Now if there is anyone who can claim to be a lost cause, surely I should be head of the queue. This is when the second heinous crime came to mind. I know that the Old Testament strictly forbids bowing down and worshipping before graven images but the Statue of St. Thaddeus was so inviting that I yielded to temptation and knelt down in the designated spot facing the great man himself.

“Oh Thaddeus patron saint of lost causes” I silently addressed him and continued “you might not be privy to the knowledge that my soul is destined to eternal damnation due to my many crimes. Let me enumerate them for your benefit. 1) Having believed in the obviously made up story of Joseph Smith and his supernatural visitations; 2) Willingly getting married to a woman from Madrid; 3) and perhaps worst of all, having the album “Guilty” by Barbara Streisand and The Bee Gees on my favourites iPod play list.

I was slightly disappointed when St. Thaddeus did not show any outward manifestation that he had heard my humble supplication. I then had the sudden brainwave (or was it Thaddues prompting me?) to seek out a priest, bishop or primate to hear my confession and therefore get my sins absolved. Of course I was not confident that a priest would listen to my story due to the small technicality that I am not a member of his flock or even his brand of faith. Also I secretly hoped that God’s representative would not have read the part in 2nd Nephi which hinted the catholics might actually be the great and abominable church. Of course no offense was implied nor indeed intended, at least not by me for the aforementioned scripture.

I was convinced that 3 Hail Mary’s on an improvised rosary bead would be suffice to transmute my eternal punishment into a celestial reward. Alas, no ecclesiastical authority could be found. Perhaps the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob is not quite ready to forgive me just yet.