I Cruised & I Bruised To Keep You Amused

You might have heard the saying “what happens on the cruise, stays on the cruise”. Let me disabuse you of such a strange notion as a non disclosure agreement was never signed by yours truly.

I had previously decided that I didn’t want to hang around with a bunch of sad, pathetic & lonely lds single geriatrics looking for love but how wrong could I get? (I am currently wearing sackcloth & a sprinkling of ashes as penitence for my crass & shortsighted attitude).

So after my Londinium plans fell by the wayside I decided to reverse my decision to uncruise and signed up to the P&O Pacific Dawn with low low & lower expectations. The lds contingent consisted of about 190 sailors including the ultra hip Richard “the Moose” aged 175 to the just out of their nappies Clinton & Daniel who had recently graduated from YSA without honours (no procurement of an eternal torment).

I had thrown caution to the wind by flying standby with Qantas (ID90) and ended up travelling with The Gadget Man, Bobby Soxer & Cinderlicious to Melbourne airport. We met with a bakers dozen of other singles on landing & I went with them to the AirBnB to relax before the Pre Cruise party at EMP chapel.

Breezy & I decided to have a Pre Pre Cruise party so with the help of a playlist & portable speaker we shook our stuff & invited everyone else to join us. I took a rest on one of the beds and had the pleasure of Maxina feeding me grapes whilst Breezy whispered sweet somethings in my ear (my hidden desire for worship fulfilled at last).

At the chapel, I met me old mucker the ridiculously handsome Simon “Templer” Heal from England who sadly announced to the despondent females that he would not be joining us on the big dinghy. The girls in unison cried out “why oh why are our prayers never answered” whilst Simon sheepishly crept away.

I then spotted my ex nanny Mel B. who looked after our first born Pablo when he was a babe in arms. Our only exchange was me saying “Mel, you know deep down that I am really nice”. Her reply was to replace nice with the word nasty but this is to be expected as she is one of Mimi’s best friends.

I was then pleasantly surprised to be taken to the lovely Luana’s house by the delectable Dazz Hammer. As he is another friend of Mimi’s, I wasn’t sure if he would also hate me for having the audacity of divorcing his amiga Milagros. He turned out to be a true gentleman of many talents & was nice enough to let me borrow his bow tie for the Great Gatsby.

Fayelicious had signed up with Jetstar & along with the jovial Nat had not been able to join us in Brisvegas due to the crapocious service. She told me she had changed her mind and would not be cruising but I only half believed her. When Natalie pointed over in her direction, I relaxed & knew we might be resuming our moon without the honey for a week of delightful activities.

I hadn’t bothered to buy any seasick tablets and fortunately the weather was most pleasant & I didn’t suffer. I met my room mates the betrothed Georgey Porgey, The Silver Haired Fox Brian & the enigmatic young Clinton.

So we sailed out of one of the seven seas leaving behind the land of Oz & into the sunset with thoughts of philia, eros & agape on our minds as well as adventure & perhaps a little mischief depending on my mood.

On the first little island, I was told my little chit chat could be received as offensive so I had a little hissy fit and decided I wanted to “Be Alone”. Fortunately the wise and mature Fayelicious followed me and we ended up going on a train ride around the block. One has observed that a woman is indeed one of God’s greatest creations and I relaxed and enjoyed the view and the company.

The “Back to School” party was a big highlight seeing all the ladies in their seductive school uniforms and fake glasses (supersmart and beautiful; winning combination). I was doing my usual idiotic dance moves when a young lady of about 18 called Felicity tapped me on the shoulder and said “Best dancer EVER”. I looked around just in case she was talking to someone else but she was actually referring to me so I took it as a compliment. When I mentioned this afterwards, I was reminded that she was probably completely drunk but I am keeping my title until someone like Darcy takes it off me. This reminds me that a group of 6 young men decided to slightly mock me and my moves so me and Darcy had a Dance off and since he is 19 he wiped the floor with this geriatric but it was fun, fun, fun.

The next island introduced the cruise idiot to everyone on board. I was swimming with the delightful Pepe & Tracy who suggested we swim to the pier. I decided it would be a good idea to dive in whilst waiting for the slow coaches and all was well in zion until the boat docked to drop off passengers and my diving capacity was severely restricted. I decided to walk to the other side and climb on top of the fence and dive in from there. The good sisters of mercy told me not to be so foolish and dive in from that highpoint but the village idiot ignored them and dived in and experienced the immediate affect of the laws of karma and gravity by hitting my hard head on the coral sea floors coral. I wasn’t too bothered but the blood had a negative effect on Tracy who suggested I get some first aid. I would have been happy to keep on swimming but followed instructions and bandaged my head and went back to the cruise ship.

However, after being told that Matt was charged $400 when he got treatment for the stingrays stinging welcome committee the day before I decided not to see the ship’s doctor. The wonderful Fayelicious, having been told of my misdemeanour, had returned to the cruise and put some paw paw cream on my bloodied forehead.